by Thalian guest blogger Jolaine Incognito
|Osiris – god of death, resurrection and fertility.|
|Isis – goddess, sister and wife of Osiris, associated with cattle and the throne.|
|Seth – god of chaos and confusion, younger brother of Isis and Osiris.|
ACT 1 [Ancient Egypt. A party.]
Seth: Hey, everyone, look what I made!
Guest: Ew, is that a coffin?
Seth: Why no, of course not! It’s – uh – it’s – uh – a chest! I’ll give this chest to whoever fits into it perfectly!
Osiris: Ooh! Ooh! Let me try!
Isis: Er, Royal Husband whose prosperous reign is envied by some [looking pointedly at Seth], and whose measurements are well known to family members from past birthday present purchases, are you sure that’s a good idea?
Osiris: It’s shiny! [gets into chest]
Seth: Ha HAH! [locks chest] C’mon, Henchmen, let’s throw this baby into the Nile!
Isis: [as all the guests run away] Oh sure, leave me to clean up the mess!
ACT 2 [The Royal Cemetery]
Isis: All right, Priests, why is it taking you so long to inter the drowned body of my Royal Husband?
Priest: Please forgive us my Queen, but it takes a long time to decide how to bury someone, since we don’t have an established funerary ritual –- yet.
Isis: Well, hurry it up! It took me less time to bring back my Royal Husband’s coffin from Byblos, where it had ground ashore after floating down the Nile. I almost didn’t spot it since that tree had grown up over it.
Priest: Wow, out of all the trees in all the tributaries in all the Nile Delta, how ever did you manage to find it?
Isis: I could explain, but I won’t because you’re just stalling. Get back to work.
Seth: [entering with Henchmen and woodchipper] Ha HAH! Go on boys, grab my Royal Brother’s body and run him through the woodchipper. Then I’ll scatter him throughout Egypt. [leaves with Henchmen, woodchipper and body]
Isis: [as all the priests run away] Seriously? As if leaving me to clean up the first mess wasn’t bad enough?
ACT 3 [The Royal Bedchamber]
Osiris: I don’t know, Isis, I just don’t feel ready to be a father.
Isis: Our sister Nephthys says that when you conceived a child with her you were a little too ready.
Osiris: But … it’s such a commitment; what if we want to travel?
Isis: I never want to travel again! For years I roamed all the lands of Egypt looking for chunks of your Royal Carcass. In every place I found a chunk, I erected an altar to you. Then I carried all the smelly, rotting pieces back, reassembled them, and used my powers to breathe life back into you. Why do you think I expended all that effort — for your intelligent conversation?
Osiris: Uh, I think I should focus on career advancement first …
Isis: Really, King of Egypt isn’t advanced enough for you? Tell you what, after you impregnate me, you can go off and rule the Land of the Dead.
Osiris: Is it shiny?
Isis: Osiris, please, don’t talk. Just close your eyes and think of Egypt.
Next time: Why Mummify?